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PRETENDVILLE, STEAM – After years, decades and multiple tours and kills and re-spawning due to death and injury a middle aged man demands respect.
“I deserve a purple heart,” he yelled being turned down health treatment at the Veteran’s Hospital. “I put my life on the line for my country!” he said with a straight face.
George Nehrjok claimed the other day “It wasn’t playing plumber lost in toad stools.” “It was realism, it was adult.”
“If it weren’t for me, we’d suffer more terror attacks!” he shouted as the Vet refused to pay for his gaming seat bed soar. “This is how it is, your country demands your life, and you give it….” when questioning if he had a life to offer by this reporter he went off, “You weren’t there man! How never saw the frame rates I saw!” and quickly stormed off to start his campaign for Vice President in something by Altus.
The Veteran’s Hospital and Affairs Department were laughing too hard to provide a response.

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DENHOGG, NED – Canada is more than thrilled to extradite a noted child exploiter in the name of Amanda Todd, but not why you may think.
After a few months time served Aydin Coban plans to start a production company with Swirl Face, “It’s always nice to see our Film Industry grow,” said head of the City Film Quango, “we need to replace Lucifer somehow, and this is closer to the real thing.”
The Canadian Paedophile Protection Agency’s the Rt. Honorable Esy Rolise said “They did their slap on the wrist so leave them alone.”
Canada is leading in countries moving to an instant forgiveness policy towards child rapists.

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TOKYO, SWEEDEN – In a shocking reveal by Nintendo on Octorber 19th, 2016, Nintendo shocked the world of gaming and furnishings. Nintendo has made a deal with Ikea to exclusively release it’s new console “The Switch,” not to be confused with the crime based board game about Governor Jeb Bush.
It will come using detachable parts, easily separated by an Alan Key and no bothersome secondary screen. Sony is outraged, “we wanted to release the Lego Vita, and they beat us to it,” said Yudomi Inarectim, CEO of Sony Entertainment and White Van Pornography.
Ikea’s CEO was in the middle of a annual suicide and could not make a statement.
Nintendo had a release stating “It was proud to have a new piece of useless furnishings of it’s own for Ikea.”
Will it succeed, I haven’t been bribed to give that opinion. But you can be sure, it will be on shelves somewhere.

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DUKENUKEDEM, JAPAN – In a scathing piece to USA Never, Donald Trump heard that Square place Dragon Quest 7 in a Quran setting. “Proof of ISIS,” and should be banned with Square.
Al-Balad a town in the game is Chapter 19 in the Quran (The City).
Hillary responded that it’s silly and the only thing Square is guilty of is criminal violence against youngsters and when asked, Libertarian Candidate, Johnson said, “Is that a new rapper guy?” and “What the fuck is a Quran?” Clearly a man looking for Bush Jr voters.
Jill Stein doesn’t exist.

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ANIMAL CROSS, BC – Creep Hunters, known for their sterling work at ruining chain of evidence and catching people talking to children on the street, negating the need for any presumption of innocence has become a house hold name, and cause for many run on sentences.
But now it has gone deeper, where a ring of child molesters have been hiding, the victim one young little kitty.

This kitten is named Katie and with an unknown absent parents, she has been hoping the train from one town to the next in search of municipal sights and sounds, what she got, says Roger Child of “Creep Hunters,” is a ring of Mayors passing her town to town (both male and female) in an attempt to spray their “perfect fruit juices.”
“We love Katie,” said Mayor Ifuhktah of MJ City. “All of us in the world of ACNL love Katie, she brings us great joy,” he prattled on while leching. “Hey Lily just got to old,” another Mayor said from the town of NAMGLA. This is the biggest sting yet, but the RCMP can’t help wonder if they are making this one up.
“Of course not,” said Roger Child of Creep Hunters, “We have proof of this systematic abuse.” “We have pictures of them talking to her and sneaking about town and then to the station,” he went on. “The RCMP just can’t handle how much circumstantial evidence of presumed guilt we collect,” Roger Child continues.
In finality he said that he isn’t sure why they find it so necessary to prove it, since they [The RCMP] can do what they do with “terrorists,’ entrap them.

Her mother Katt could not be found for comment or basic interest in her child.

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Categories Comedy, Satire

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